18 March 2013

Recipe: The Legend of Drunken Burger

Time for a slight change of speed. Something I've never done before: a recipe! Inspired by the amazing Jackie Chan movie, The Legend of Drunken Master, this burger is fueled by an overwhelming supply of booze. Best part: it finishes off the half bottle of wine you neglected to finish the night before. You also don't need a grill - it's all done on the stove top.

6-8oz ground beef (higher the quality, the better) per patty
1/2 bottle leftover red wine
chili powder
all-purpose seasoning
garlic salt
diced garlic
olive oil
Whatever burger fixin's you desire

Ideal Pan: deep skillet

Now, the truth is that I don't know how much the garlic and the season-all add to the final flavor of this burger. Nor do I really know if any of the steps herein can be skipped or even improved. All I know is that half the fun of cooking is the badass feeling of doing all this crap while showing off to your significant other that you can cook awesome shit that nobody else can. So, who cares if you can't taste everything? The end result is still delicious.

Step 1:
Hand-pack the beef patty by rubbing in a shake of season-all and garlic salt (not too much or it'll be too salty). Also do the same for the chili powder, but feel free to go overboard with this. Make sure the patty is a good inch thick by the time you're done with it.

Step 2:
Stab the patty with a knife or something, several times on each side. You want to give the wine full access to infuse every bit of beef with its juiciness. Marinate the patty in the wine for 10-15 min. Do this any way you like. I usually just plop it in a bowl and drown it.

Step 3:
When the patty is ready to cook, start heating the skillet on the stove, a notch or two below high heat. Throw on some diced garlic and olive oil. I have no idea what this does to the food, but it makes it smell nice and you look like you know what you're doing at this point. Spread the garlic around and wait for it to start getting golden. Place the patty on the skillet. Follow it up a few seconds later with all of the wine that you just marinated it in.

Step 4:
Keep scooping the wine from the skillet and pouring it over the patty. Flip the patty occasionally to keep it cooking evenly. Eventually, all of the wine will evaporate, leaving a black sludge that used to be the garlic. Remove the sludge from the skillet so it doesn't burn any more and let the outside of the patty crisp a bit in the dry pan before drowning it again in a fresh bath of wine.

Step 5:
Keep the meat drunk. Pour more wine on if it gets dry. Since you're cooking on a skillet, the potential to burn the meat and fill your house with smoke is extremely high. Pry a utensil into the patty occasionally to gauge its pinkness. When you're sure that you've cooked it to your desired color, flip it out of the skillet and on to a waiting bun. Apply desired fixin's.

Step 6:
Enjoy the full body orgasm as you devour your Legend of Drunken Burger!