Today, I have a guest blogger taking the reins. Hussain M Elius is a business student, computer geek, photograph enthusiast, and an infrequent blogger. Here, he has some words to say about morality. I want to thank him for his submission - be sure to give him your thoughts.
“The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion” – Arthur C. Clarke
For thousands of years, man has attempted to define objective moral values: Aristotle had his virtues in his Nicomachean Ethics, Bentham and Mill had their utilitarianism and Kant had his Categorical Imperative. There are many more iterations of moral virtues and vice, but the most popular once are the ones promoted by religion. In fact, many even believe that morality stems from religion, so much so that the first question several ask me when they learn I am a skeptic is to ask any variation of, “How can you differentiate between good and bad without God?”
Such a statement poses two immediate problems. Are actions designated good or bad, morale or immoral, simply because a celestial being wants or doesn’t want us to do? If so, morality is objectively meaningless- it is no different than following random rules made by a child in his own little game. All one has to do to be morale then is to subscribe to a certain sky-daddy doctrine- you are simply doing as you are told and not because there is a good reason for it.
On the other hand, if you reason that God has a legitimate motive for deciding what morale is and it is not, then you have superseded God on such issues. Not to mention that this line of thought implies that He, too, is bound by a code of conduct!
Where then, does morality come from?
Being that many animals can grasp right and wrong on a basic level, it astounds me that anyone would suggest that morality comes from a holy origin. A dog understands benefit and detriment; apes have a sense of humor; elephants show emotions; and dolphin families spread culture. It doesn't take a human to understand right and wrong, so it makes sense that a man-god cannot be the only authority for morality. We humans, as animals, have a natural internal sense of what is right and wrong, developed through the evolutionary process.
Right and wrong are understandings ingrained in the very development of our species. Because our survival depended on cooperation— dealing with everything from predators to hunting food to battling nature— those who were more capable of fairness were more likely to survive. Altruism, sympathy, kindness, forgiveness, and even hatred, all have their origins in interacting with other people for a common cause. Without these, cooperation is more likely to break down and that's when survival is endangered.
As the human culture has grown more complex, so has our varied opinion on what is right and wrong, and how much something is right or wrong. Any thinking person, regardless of belief or non-belief, will have a very large set of moral positions that they hold. These positions are complex and nuanced, and if the person is open-minded, are subject to change over time (e.g., One may chose to be for the death penalty until confronted with the stats showing that some of those who are put to death has been found innocent years later). In fact, I have yet to meet two people with identical morals, so I will cautiously suggest that morale absolutism doesn’t exist.
Some example questions: What should the legal age of consent be? Should all hard drugs be legalized? What limits should there be on warfare, and can it be moral to kill even one innocent civilian? To what extent are the wealthy obligated to help the poor? Abortion? The list goes on. Such topics can be debated and arguments can be sliced and diced between philosophers, scientists, and the common people, but when religion comes into play, all arguments halts. Religion is based on the authority of the supernatural: you can't be more right than a being who knows everything (or, for the matter, a being that can put you in an eternal torture chamber). Homosexuality is condemned in the Abrahamic religions, but it is no longer a part of debate that a person doesn’t chose to be homosexual, rather, they are born that way. Even if there was a choice, is it really morale to look at a person’s private life and judge whatever he may chose to do?
I’ll take an aside here and say that the concepts of hell and heaven has many flaws, but the chief one that bothers me most is the way it tries to enforce this so called morality on people. Doing something because of punishment or reward, might be a rational thing to do, but that doesn’t mean that rational beings are by default, morale. Take the example of the character Dexter in a TV show of the same name- a true psychopath, but not the one that goes around killing whoever he finds in sight. He knows that if he does so, even if he wants to, he will be prosecuted; an intelligent decision, no doubt, but not necessarily a morale one. If the reason you are doing what is “right” is because you fear punishment, then you are no better than a potty trained dog! “Doing what is right...” implies thinking long, hard, and carefully about what “right” is. I'm amazed this fact is not self-evident to some. There is no black and white source of universal moral law, which is why religion fails to be of any real use in a debate about morality.
That being said, a simple code of ethics like the golden rule doesn't yield an easy answer either. Take the infamous trolley problem as an example. Is it better to kill an innocent, or allow many innocents to die through inaction? What if you have a choice of letting one of your better friends die or letting, say, five people you don’t know die? And what if one or all of those five people are respectable members of the society?
Today, after millennia of social evolution, we have a conscious counterpart to evolutionary altruism called the social contract. The social contract is a collective understanding about behaviors necessary for civilization to endure. To illustrate a case, if a society collectively decided that theft was allowable, the benefits from property rights would be sacrificed. Laws and social norms are an incarnation of the necessities for societal balance. As such a change in laws and norms, which happens almost everyday, is a reflection (albeit a bad one) of morale development in the society. It will perhaps be safe to say that, reversibly, it is the morale development, aided by newer information that we are presented with, that eventually changes some laws. To derive from a previous example, the death penalty is now illegal in more places then it was a hundred years ago.
Enforcing Bronze Age beliefs as laws shows, in my opinion, the inability and unwillingness to move forward and accept changes in the social environment. While it might be true that some changes might not be for the best, other changes certainly will be. Claiming what you “know” to be right and enforcing them is short-sighted at best and disastrous for humanity at worst.
15 April 2010
Turning Japanese
I am at the airport right now, waiting to board a plane to Japan. This post is to communicate that posting over the next couple weeks may be slower, but I promise that it will be interesting none the less. I also want to note that this is the first and last post to be entirely written on an iPad.
See you on the other side!
See you on the other side!
12 April 2010
The Balance of Communication and Expression
This is a rant in 3 parts:
On Saturday, I experienced somewhat of a rude awakening when I read my blog entry, Taking It All In: The Evolution of an Atheist, to a crowd of 20 people. The post follows my personal journey through the intellectual realizations that speckle my life. It was intended to simply explain how I came to be who I am, and I plainly state that anyone else may draw very different conclusions from the same things. That didn't stop my audience from being offended. From the strangers who listened in, to the friends who have known me for years, many people seemed to be irked by my delivery. Though I make no secret about my disdain for people who believe in things in spite of evidence, I do feel that some of the reactions were unfair.
The number one complaint: I was not sensitive in how I made my points. That is, I stated things as if they were the truth and that no other reasoning was correct. This may have offended people who thought otherwise or caused them to ignore my points because I did not caress their sensibilities. Philip Pullman recently stated that "no one has the right to live without being offended." After the onslaught of criticism, I asked the audience if they happened to catch the part in the middle where I stated:
Here's what I will concede about my post. It was critical of beliefs which contradict evidence. It was not conducive to people who think that reality is subjective. It did not qualify some of its latter points as simply my own feelings. It did not specify that when I use the word "religion," I mean all of the Abrahamic faiths (that doesn't mean, however, that Dharmic faiths don't match the claims I make). Evidently, I did not choose a mode of communication that was good for discussion.
One friend reacted quite passionately, telling me that I simply cannot tell people that their perception of reality isn't correct. Curious about this point, I approached him afterward and asked him what he meant. His response was that quantum mechanics allowed people to manipulate reality with the power of their minds. "Now that," I said, "I disagree with." He admitted to reading my blog for a while, but became a bit disenchanted with the way I constantly ragged on religion. Fair enough, but being poignant doesn't make my statements any less valid. He told me that nobody gets to define what is in "here," pointing to his head, except him. Also fair, but I specialize in describing what is going on out "here." "Here" being the world in which we interact.
He had a problem with atheists in that they identified with a negative (that god doesn't exist) as opposed to a positive (the oft-asked question, "What DO they stand for?"). "What are you?" I asked. He resisted the question and rebuked the idea of even being defined by a title. I assume this was in reference to my embracing of the "atheist" label. Well, if someone has a problem with the semantics of your situation, you're obviously caught. No way to avoid that. Atheists wouldn't exist if believers didn't either. "Atheism" is simply half of a logical dichotomy that encompasses everyone. You may argue that there are gray areas, but there are labels for those, too. Calling myself an atheist, I explained, is just a way for my audience to find me. If I tried to sell my opinions under any other moniker, they would call it atheism regardless.
I asked my friend if he believed in a god and his answer was that he couldn't say if one existed either way. "So, you're an agnostic." He was frustrated by my pushing a subject that he obviously was not comfortable talking about, but I sensed the familiarity of my former mentality within him. The rejection of all self-definition could be the sign of a mind that simply wants to clear space around it so that it can grow in any direction it wills. I paused for a moment to think about that and he slipped away.
I'm thinking about it some more, now. I repeat: The rejection of all self-definition could be the sign of a mind that simply wants to clear space around it so that it can grow in any direction it wills. It is a mental image that immediately conjures too many thoughts to wrangle into words. In one sequence, I see the mind as a seed within a circular world, sprouting its roots and seedling in a wandering, twisted, aimless fashion. I wonder what thoughts that mind possesses and why. I wonder if the thoughts make sense to anyone except the mind itself. I wonder what the chances are that it gets to the surface for some sun. I wonder if it even thinks the sun is good for it. In another sequence, I see the same seed growing out in a single direction, guided out by the sun. The growth is directed and full of intent. I can sympathize with it, so I do not wonder as much.
One may see the choice of dedicated growth to be made out of fear, coercion or frailty of mind. While Barry Schwartz would disagree, there is some validity to the concern. Many of us have simply grown so far in one direction that we are unable to even give allowances to different ways of thinking.
I used to believe that the wandering roots and boundless growth represented the best way to live. I rejected labels and was quick to correct any assumptions. I wanted to believe that anything was possible. I'm not sure I can point to any particular point where I changed. I just know that at some point I decided that my wanderings had to have a conclusion and that my principles had to have a foundation. Reality, it seemed, was as good a place as any to focus on. Since then, I've been growing in one direction, fortified by the evidence of observation and logic. I'm not about to apologize for having been there before and made up my mind to be more realistic.
On Saturday, I experienced somewhat of a rude awakening when I read my blog entry, Taking It All In: The Evolution of an Atheist, to a crowd of 20 people. The post follows my personal journey through the intellectual realizations that speckle my life. It was intended to simply explain how I came to be who I am, and I plainly state that anyone else may draw very different conclusions from the same things. That didn't stop my audience from being offended. From the strangers who listened in, to the friends who have known me for years, many people seemed to be irked by my delivery. Though I make no secret about my disdain for people who believe in things in spite of evidence, I do feel that some of the reactions were unfair.
The number one complaint: I was not sensitive in how I made my points. That is, I stated things as if they were the truth and that no other reasoning was correct. This may have offended people who thought otherwise or caused them to ignore my points because I did not caress their sensibilities. Philip Pullman recently stated that "no one has the right to live without being offended." After the onslaught of criticism, I asked the audience if they happened to catch the part in the middle where I stated:
I want to pause here and say that my epiphanies are the result of my personal observations, not some mathematical calculation based on cold logic. You may not see things the same way I do. You may not be paying attention to the same details I am. You may have a different explanation to digest the information with. A different person walking in my shoes may very well have turned into ... a different person. I'm not trying to convince you, just help you see how much has gone into the mentality that I now have.The response told me that they did not remember it. Something tells me that if I had softened up each claim, the way they had suggested, with a qualifier of, "This is just my opinion," the reaction would have been no different. It would have only served to make my wording exhaustive. The bare point here is that I said things that placed many of my listeners on the wrong side of a pointed remark. A remark about one's understanding of reality, no less. While I was only looking for critiques on my writing style, I had a bunch of offended people telling me to not be so offensive because, they say, it would help them digest what I was trying to communicate.
Here's what I will concede about my post. It was critical of beliefs which contradict evidence. It was not conducive to people who think that reality is subjective. It did not qualify some of its latter points as simply my own feelings. It did not specify that when I use the word "religion," I mean all of the Abrahamic faiths (that doesn't mean, however, that Dharmic faiths don't match the claims I make). Evidently, I did not choose a mode of communication that was good for discussion.
One friend reacted quite passionately, telling me that I simply cannot tell people that their perception of reality isn't correct. Curious about this point, I approached him afterward and asked him what he meant. His response was that quantum mechanics allowed people to manipulate reality with the power of their minds. "Now that," I said, "I disagree with." He admitted to reading my blog for a while, but became a bit disenchanted with the way I constantly ragged on religion. Fair enough, but being poignant doesn't make my statements any less valid. He told me that nobody gets to define what is in "here," pointing to his head, except him. Also fair, but I specialize in describing what is going on out "here." "Here" being the world in which we interact.
He had a problem with atheists in that they identified with a negative (that god doesn't exist) as opposed to a positive (the oft-asked question, "What DO they stand for?"). "What are you?" I asked. He resisted the question and rebuked the idea of even being defined by a title. I assume this was in reference to my embracing of the "atheist" label. Well, if someone has a problem with the semantics of your situation, you're obviously caught. No way to avoid that. Atheists wouldn't exist if believers didn't either. "Atheism" is simply half of a logical dichotomy that encompasses everyone. You may argue that there are gray areas, but there are labels for those, too. Calling myself an atheist, I explained, is just a way for my audience to find me. If I tried to sell my opinions under any other moniker, they would call it atheism regardless.
I asked my friend if he believed in a god and his answer was that he couldn't say if one existed either way. "So, you're an agnostic." He was frustrated by my pushing a subject that he obviously was not comfortable talking about, but I sensed the familiarity of my former mentality within him. The rejection of all self-definition could be the sign of a mind that simply wants to clear space around it so that it can grow in any direction it wills. I paused for a moment to think about that and he slipped away.
I'm thinking about it some more, now. I repeat: The rejection of all self-definition could be the sign of a mind that simply wants to clear space around it so that it can grow in any direction it wills. It is a mental image that immediately conjures too many thoughts to wrangle into words. In one sequence, I see the mind as a seed within a circular world, sprouting its roots and seedling in a wandering, twisted, aimless fashion. I wonder what thoughts that mind possesses and why. I wonder if the thoughts make sense to anyone except the mind itself. I wonder what the chances are that it gets to the surface for some sun. I wonder if it even thinks the sun is good for it. In another sequence, I see the same seed growing out in a single direction, guided out by the sun. The growth is directed and full of intent. I can sympathize with it, so I do not wonder as much.
One may see the choice of dedicated growth to be made out of fear, coercion or frailty of mind. While Barry Schwartz would disagree, there is some validity to the concern. Many of us have simply grown so far in one direction that we are unable to even give allowances to different ways of thinking.
I used to believe that the wandering roots and boundless growth represented the best way to live. I rejected labels and was quick to correct any assumptions. I wanted to believe that anything was possible. I'm not sure I can point to any particular point where I changed. I just know that at some point I decided that my wanderings had to have a conclusion and that my principles had to have a foundation. Reality, it seemed, was as good a place as any to focus on. Since then, I've been growing in one direction, fortified by the evidence of observation and logic. I'm not about to apologize for having been there before and made up my mind to be more realistic.
09 April 2010
The Origin Debate
It is predictable that any scientific debate with a remotely intelligent religious person will whittle down to the question of the origin of the universe. It is the last area of reality in which they can stage their defense. Until now.
In my previous posts, I've demonstrated how the cursory knowledge of a few basic concepts (namely: evolution, the chaos theory, and the black swan effect... with perhaps some cosmology basics) can prepare one with enough knowledge to understand the world, from a moment after the Big Bang until now, without needing to include god in the picture. So, when you demonstrate that you know enough to refute any religious arguments, the discussion ALWAYS turns to the one place that scientists have said that they know nothing about: the moment of the big bang.
How did matter come to exist in the first place? How did the universe and the laws of physics come about? Surely, this is the work of god. This is essentially the ultimate "god of the gaps" fallacy. Until now, my response has been that I don't know and neither does anyone else. Today, I am changing that answer.
Do you have an hour? This is a talk given by Lawrence Krauss at the AAI convention this last year. It basically explains how the universe is shaped and what that means for the matter involved, its origins, and its future. Find the time and watch it, at least up to the Q&A.
The basic gist of it is this: Looking at the evidence of the big bang, we can determine that the universe is flat, allowing for a zero-sum of energy and mass. This means that the universe could have come into existence without a creator through quantum fluctuations. The juicy bits are between 33:00 and 41:00.
Krauss goes on to explain how the universe is changing and expanding. Because of this, our understanding of the universe is unique to our time. If we had existed 5 billion years in the past, our vision of the universe would be completely different. Likewise, if we existed 100 billion years in the future, our best observations of the universe would fail to produce a correct result because there would be no evidence in observable range to make the same determinations.
Don't you feel justified because you reserved judgment and waited until the information came along?
In my previous posts, I've demonstrated how the cursory knowledge of a few basic concepts (namely: evolution, the chaos theory, and the black swan effect... with perhaps some cosmology basics) can prepare one with enough knowledge to understand the world, from a moment after the Big Bang until now, without needing to include god in the picture. So, when you demonstrate that you know enough to refute any religious arguments, the discussion ALWAYS turns to the one place that scientists have said that they know nothing about: the moment of the big bang.
How did matter come to exist in the first place? How did the universe and the laws of physics come about? Surely, this is the work of god. This is essentially the ultimate "god of the gaps" fallacy. Until now, my response has been that I don't know and neither does anyone else. Today, I am changing that answer.
Do you have an hour? This is a talk given by Lawrence Krauss at the AAI convention this last year. It basically explains how the universe is shaped and what that means for the matter involved, its origins, and its future. Find the time and watch it, at least up to the Q&A.
The basic gist of it is this: Looking at the evidence of the big bang, we can determine that the universe is flat, allowing for a zero-sum of energy and mass. This means that the universe could have come into existence without a creator through quantum fluctuations. The juicy bits are between 33:00 and 41:00.
Krauss goes on to explain how the universe is changing and expanding. Because of this, our understanding of the universe is unique to our time. If we had existed 5 billion years in the past, our vision of the universe would be completely different. Likewise, if we existed 100 billion years in the future, our best observations of the universe would fail to produce a correct result because there would be no evidence in observable range to make the same determinations.
Don't you feel justified because you reserved judgment and waited until the information came along?
08 April 2010
Taking It All In: The Evolution of an Atheist
I've been participating in a lot of discussions lately and it frequently occurs to me how difficult it is to impart my understanding of the world to people who read neither my blog nor my source material. How am I supposed to convince someone that there is no intrinsic purpose in life without first having them read mountains of literature? How can I get someone to see the world through my eyes? These realizations are years, even lifetimes, in the making, but that won't stop me from trying to be an agent in someone's enlightenment. If there is a discussion, there is a way. All I have to do is package my ideas into a simple, concise delivery. Like the shrinking of the microprocessor, that too may be a process that takes time, but here I am, starting it off.
With every year, every book, every epiphany, my understanding of the world grows more solid and confident. Some would call it a fool's wager to register an official philosophy, especially based on ideas I come across so early in life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a fool. If I'm honest, there are things I know and things I don't know. For instance, I have no idea what my political personality is. If I were to go spouting off my opinions on liberalism like it was the solution for all mankind, I would feel like a lunatic on the inside. There is no end-all be-all philosophy when it comes to politics. Existence, however, is quite easy to know. Now, if you were to raise your voice and proclaim that far greater minds than mine have have been puzzled by a question I can supposedly answer so easily, I would say, "Exactly." Existence isn't for great minds to ponder, but they made a game of it anyways.
Epiphany: We can't all be right.
My first profound realization of the world came in my mid-teens when I was thinking about religion. I reasoned that if all religions claimed to be the one true religion, then either only one was right and the rest were wrong, or they all were wrong. Giving credence, for a moment, to the idea that only one was right, I pondered about which one that was. No option made more sense than the next. It was then clear to me that no religion, past or present, could rightfully claim to be the one true one.
Epiphany: Even the infallible is fallible.
After high school, I took a class on the history of Judaism at a local community college. This course followed a time line from the faith's roots to today, highlighting the persecution of the Jewish people throughout history, along with the offending doctrines. Counting every time either the Catholic church or the Jewish faith was revised and updated to fit the trends of modern times, I was left astounded at the notion that anyone could view any of either faith's teachings to be wise. Surely, if all that was needed was a popular revolt or a political allowance, the church would bend. The interpretation would be reinterpreted. The followers would continue to follow. Looking at religion from this perspective really helped me see it as not a personal thing, but a tool used by those in power to control a population.
I want to pause here and say that my epiphanies are the result of my personal observations, not some mathematical calculation based on cold logic. You may not see things the same way I do. You may not be paying attention to the same details I am. You may have a different explanation to digest the information with. A different person walking in my shoes may very well have turned into ... a different person. I'm not trying to convince you, just help you see how much has gone into the mentality that I now have. And obviously, I am leaving out a LOT of details.
Epiphany: Everyone's mileage will vary.
Throughout my late teens and early twenties, I had always been searching for "the formula;" some universal way to solve all of the problems of society, to teach people, to phrase a subject, to create an understanding. I put this idea into play when I created my discussion forum on the internet. For years, I participated in debates and discussions, honing what I greatly wished to be the one true way to communicate. If the internet is good at doing one thing, though, it is crushing your idealistic dreams. My experience taught me that everyone is extremely, irreconcilably different, taking nearly every variable of their life into account when they listen and when they speak. There was no way to normalize this. This was a slow and gradual realization for me, one which others acquired without even needing to think much about it, but it was important that I learned it that way. Throughout my "trials," I paid attention to people and I really got to be quite sympathetic.
Epiphany: We're not as evolved as we think.
I've always been preoccupied with psychology, which was why I was thrilled to discover the research of Dan Ariely a year ago. Ariely studies the irrational behaviors of people and his book, Predictably Irrational, compiles many clunky ways in which our brains tend to work. A few of his experiments reveal some frankly feral heuristics that remain in the brain from our evolutionary ancestors. In particular, the study of sexual boundaries before and during arousal caused my eyes to widen and my jaw to drop. While I would not expect any other person to extrapolate as much from reading this book, which was found in the business management section of the book store, I came away from it with a sense of inelegance. I began to realize that we're not so far removed from our cousins in the animal kingdom. Further, if one were to reject that we even evolved from animals and instead were fashioned in a god's image, I wondered how they would possibly explain away our mental faults.
Epiphany: Our existence is both improbable and inevitable.
I am still grateful to my friend, Arion, who gave me the book The Black Swan for my birthday last year. This book has changed my perspective of the world completely. One of the book's greatest lessons is putting the past into context. When we learn history in school or from a book, we are given a narrative of all the events that have been deemed important enough and witnessed enough to be worthy of a lesson. Everything is shaped to convey a time line or a moral. That isn't history, though. What we are missing is everything that didn't matter... because it actually does matter. For example, when we look into the history of the earth, we are only seeing what we have evidence for. But what of everything that came and went without leaving a scrap of evidence for us to discover? Did it not exist? Did it not have an impact on the things we DO have evidence for? We never take into account all the details we don't see, only the ones that we do. In this way, it is possible to see how our interpretations of the world can fail to attain their true cosmic meaning.
We can look at the world in one of two ways: We can see our existence as the improbable result of an infinite number of explosions, reactions, mutations and matings, or we can look at the sheer number of atoms, stars and planets in the universe (now 9 times larger than previously thought, by the way), multiply it by the billions of years since the big bang, and realize that, given as many chances, our existence is pretty much inevitable. There is no reason to think we're special. It is only our perspective, as a lone intelligent species in a vast uncaring universe, that we are lead to think that we are in the favor of a creator. A large part of my philosophy comes from reassigning my perspective to a very detached point of view.
Epiphany: The chaos theory explains more than you think.
You don't even have to have a question in mind, but the chaos theory will answer it anyways. The Black Swan briefly mentions the chaos theory, so I took it upon myself to do some research. It was about this time that I found a BBC special on YouTube called "The Secret Life of Chaos" (it has since been taken down) that explained it quite plainly. From there, and with a bit more research, I began to understand details about life that I had balked at trying to explain before. For example, if atoms react in predictable fashions, how can life emerge from non-life? This is a question many people pose, but they frequently fill in the blank with "god" because they aren't aware of other explanations. But the explanations are right in front of us. From the random patterns of stripes on a zebra, to the imperfect formations of clouds in the sky, we have a better, more rational way to explain the uniqueness and unpredictability of everything in our world.
Epiphany: Reality is not as subjective as you think.
As I read The Greatest Show On Earth, every little piece of evidence for evolution represented more than just a point on the scoreboard for Darwinists. Each point showed that there is a reality out there that nobody can avoid. No amount of believing will deny it. No amount of lunacy will alter it. There is reality and then there is your willingness to accept it. Knowing this is of great comfort, because the flip-side is a life filled with futile attempts to reconcile a fantasy with a cold, unfeeling universe. When you accept reality for what it is, you know what you're working with and you know how to really get what you want. It is empowering and freeing.
Epiphany: Nihilism.
This one is quite logical. If there is no creator, there is no motivation behind our existence. There is no reason for anything to exist beyond the cosmetic justifications we give. We are simply the byproduct of the chemical reactions of the universe. Knowing this, let's enjoy it while it lasts. For best results: make sure others enjoy it, too.
With every year, every book, every epiphany, my understanding of the world grows more solid and confident. Some would call it a fool's wager to register an official philosophy, especially based on ideas I come across so early in life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a fool. If I'm honest, there are things I know and things I don't know. For instance, I have no idea what my political personality is. If I were to go spouting off my opinions on liberalism like it was the solution for all mankind, I would feel like a lunatic on the inside. There is no end-all be-all philosophy when it comes to politics. Existence, however, is quite easy to know. Now, if you were to raise your voice and proclaim that far greater minds than mine have have been puzzled by a question I can supposedly answer so easily, I would say, "Exactly." Existence isn't for great minds to ponder, but they made a game of it anyways.
Epiphany: We can't all be right.
My first profound realization of the world came in my mid-teens when I was thinking about religion. I reasoned that if all religions claimed to be the one true religion, then either only one was right and the rest were wrong, or they all were wrong. Giving credence, for a moment, to the idea that only one was right, I pondered about which one that was. No option made more sense than the next. It was then clear to me that no religion, past or present, could rightfully claim to be the one true one.
Epiphany: Even the infallible is fallible.
After high school, I took a class on the history of Judaism at a local community college. This course followed a time line from the faith's roots to today, highlighting the persecution of the Jewish people throughout history, along with the offending doctrines. Counting every time either the Catholic church or the Jewish faith was revised and updated to fit the trends of modern times, I was left astounded at the notion that anyone could view any of either faith's teachings to be wise. Surely, if all that was needed was a popular revolt or a political allowance, the church would bend. The interpretation would be reinterpreted. The followers would continue to follow. Looking at religion from this perspective really helped me see it as not a personal thing, but a tool used by those in power to control a population.
I want to pause here and say that my epiphanies are the result of my personal observations, not some mathematical calculation based on cold logic. You may not see things the same way I do. You may not be paying attention to the same details I am. You may have a different explanation to digest the information with. A different person walking in my shoes may very well have turned into ... a different person. I'm not trying to convince you, just help you see how much has gone into the mentality that I now have. And obviously, I am leaving out a LOT of details.
Epiphany: Everyone's mileage will vary.
Throughout my late teens and early twenties, I had always been searching for "the formula;" some universal way to solve all of the problems of society, to teach people, to phrase a subject, to create an understanding. I put this idea into play when I created my discussion forum on the internet. For years, I participated in debates and discussions, honing what I greatly wished to be the one true way to communicate. If the internet is good at doing one thing, though, it is crushing your idealistic dreams. My experience taught me that everyone is extremely, irreconcilably different, taking nearly every variable of their life into account when they listen and when they speak. There was no way to normalize this. This was a slow and gradual realization for me, one which others acquired without even needing to think much about it, but it was important that I learned it that way. Throughout my "trials," I paid attention to people and I really got to be quite sympathetic.
Epiphany: We're not as evolved as we think.
I've always been preoccupied with psychology, which was why I was thrilled to discover the research of Dan Ariely a year ago. Ariely studies the irrational behaviors of people and his book, Predictably Irrational, compiles many clunky ways in which our brains tend to work. A few of his experiments reveal some frankly feral heuristics that remain in the brain from our evolutionary ancestors. In particular, the study of sexual boundaries before and during arousal caused my eyes to widen and my jaw to drop. While I would not expect any other person to extrapolate as much from reading this book, which was found in the business management section of the book store, I came away from it with a sense of inelegance. I began to realize that we're not so far removed from our cousins in the animal kingdom. Further, if one were to reject that we even evolved from animals and instead were fashioned in a god's image, I wondered how they would possibly explain away our mental faults.
Epiphany: Our existence is both improbable and inevitable.
I am still grateful to my friend, Arion, who gave me the book The Black Swan for my birthday last year. This book has changed my perspective of the world completely. One of the book's greatest lessons is putting the past into context. When we learn history in school or from a book, we are given a narrative of all the events that have been deemed important enough and witnessed enough to be worthy of a lesson. Everything is shaped to convey a time line or a moral. That isn't history, though. What we are missing is everything that didn't matter... because it actually does matter. For example, when we look into the history of the earth, we are only seeing what we have evidence for. But what of everything that came and went without leaving a scrap of evidence for us to discover? Did it not exist? Did it not have an impact on the things we DO have evidence for? We never take into account all the details we don't see, only the ones that we do. In this way, it is possible to see how our interpretations of the world can fail to attain their true cosmic meaning.
We can look at the world in one of two ways: We can see our existence as the improbable result of an infinite number of explosions, reactions, mutations and matings, or we can look at the sheer number of atoms, stars and planets in the universe (now 9 times larger than previously thought, by the way), multiply it by the billions of years since the big bang, and realize that, given as many chances, our existence is pretty much inevitable. There is no reason to think we're special. It is only our perspective, as a lone intelligent species in a vast uncaring universe, that we are lead to think that we are in the favor of a creator. A large part of my philosophy comes from reassigning my perspective to a very detached point of view.
Epiphany: The chaos theory explains more than you think.
You don't even have to have a question in mind, but the chaos theory will answer it anyways. The Black Swan briefly mentions the chaos theory, so I took it upon myself to do some research. It was about this time that I found a BBC special on YouTube called "The Secret Life of Chaos" (it has since been taken down) that explained it quite plainly. From there, and with a bit more research, I began to understand details about life that I had balked at trying to explain before. For example, if atoms react in predictable fashions, how can life emerge from non-life? This is a question many people pose, but they frequently fill in the blank with "god" because they aren't aware of other explanations. But the explanations are right in front of us. From the random patterns of stripes on a zebra, to the imperfect formations of clouds in the sky, we have a better, more rational way to explain the uniqueness and unpredictability of everything in our world.
Epiphany: Reality is not as subjective as you think.
As I read The Greatest Show On Earth, every little piece of evidence for evolution represented more than just a point on the scoreboard for Darwinists. Each point showed that there is a reality out there that nobody can avoid. No amount of believing will deny it. No amount of lunacy will alter it. There is reality and then there is your willingness to accept it. Knowing this is of great comfort, because the flip-side is a life filled with futile attempts to reconcile a fantasy with a cold, unfeeling universe. When you accept reality for what it is, you know what you're working with and you know how to really get what you want. It is empowering and freeing.
Epiphany: Nihilism.
This one is quite logical. If there is no creator, there is no motivation behind our existence. There is no reason for anything to exist beyond the cosmetic justifications we give. We are simply the byproduct of the chemical reactions of the universe. Knowing this, let's enjoy it while it lasts. For best results: make sure others enjoy it, too.
06 April 2010
Reading Report: The Greatest Show On Earth
As we begin, let's immediately get one point out of the way. Many evolutionists have a good response to the "it's just a theory" fallacy, but Dawkins uses a simple method to push this way of thinking aside. He throws the dictionary at you. Here are the two concerned definitions of the word "theory" from the Oxford English Dictionary:
Theory, Sense 1: A scheme or system of ideas or statements held as an explanation or account of a group of facts or phenomena; a hypothesis that has been confirmed or established by observation or experiment, and is propounded or accepted as accounting for the known facts; a statement of what are held to be general laws, principles, or causes of something known or observed.
Theory, Sense 2: A hypothesis proposed as an explanation; hence, a mere hypothesis, speculation, conjecture; an idea or set of ideas about something; an individual view or notion.
I don't believe creationists are even aware that Sense 1 exists. Alas, it is the sense that is meant when we refer to any scientific theory. To pass a scientific theory off as just a hypothesis is a hopeless abuse of semantics. This book is not about ticky-tack details, though, it is about hard-hitting, powerful evidence; the kind you cannot deny by changing the meaning of a word.
I learned a huge amount from this book. Many of the things I learned were brand new facts that I never knew existed, but most importantly, I learned about the false notions that I had been taught earlier in life, along with their correct explanations. Making these claims of new knowledge immediately makes me hesitate, as it is the sheep who believe ideas at face value, who I am highly critical of, who also take their lessons from a book. The difference, however, is that creationists blatantly denounce the word of studied scientists, suggesting that people "take back knowledge from the experts." If that statement doesn't make you want to vomit with revolted disgust, I suggest you read it again. On the other hand, I have no problem taking knowledge directly from the word of an award-winning scientist citing peer-reviewed publications. There were also many times when I attempted to summarize the lessons I had learned in my writings here on this blog. This required me to do independent research of my own, corroborating the concepts I had learned in the book with public knowledge bases and published articles. Alternatively, if the bible had a bibliography, it wouldn't take up more than a few lines.
It doesn't take more than a few chapters to realize that Dawkins has a loaded arsenal of evidence, and every subsequent chapter nails home the point deeper and deeper. While creationists hang up on fossils, it is obvious that there is more than enough evidence to support evolution without even needing fossils, but even the criticisms of fossils are rebuked with evidence and "missing links." From radiometric dating, to plate tectonics, to the DNA family tree, to analogous features, to vestigial organs, to the survival arms race, the evidence is solid and irrefutable. Dawkins doesn't stop there, though. He delves deeper and explains the development of life from the molecular level, to the cellular level, to the embryo level, on to the adult stage. Learning about the actual mechanisms through which macro evolution takes place provided some of the most satisfying non-fiction reading experiences for me yet. The absolute scientific understanding of every step along the path of life leaves no room for mythology and superstition.
There were parts of my own knowledge that I was able to bring to this reading that helped me digest some of the concepts within. For example, my grasp of the chaos theory helped set my understanding of how bacterial reproduction can result in mutations. Where I possessed faulty knowledge, Dawkins set me straight. I am ashamed to admit that I had forgotten that the changing of the seasons was caused by the angle at which the sun's rays hit the surface of the Earth. I had learned this at some point during my childhood, but in the absence of remembering, had defaulted to the explanation that it was the Earth's distance from the sun. These details matter when you talk about evolution, so they are all explained quite clearly and, in some cases, with a bit of humor. There are times, too, when Dawkins gets quite tedious, enough to make me skip a paragraph or two, but he is never off the subject.
At the end of the book, you are left feeling either frustration or pity for those who despicably cling to the notion of creationism. I personally challenge any creationist to read The Greatest Show On Earth and not come away convinced. The notion that a god would put so much insurmountable, undeniable, perfect evidence in place just to "test our faith" is, as Dawkins puts it, special pleading. Included in the book is a transcript of an exchange with a creationist named Wendy Wright, who refuses to acknowledge the numerous points of evidence that Dawkins brings up. The actual interview, which I have linked below, is a rage test. If you can watch it for 5 minutes without wanting to reach through your screen to strangle her, you're probably more deserving of sainthood than an actual saint. If Wendy Wright speaks for all creationists, then it means that they are thicker than monkey semen. As you can guess, I am part of the frustrated group.
The debate over whether creationism or evolution should be taught in school is more than just a religious campaign, it is a negligent disregard for the educational process and for the students. Teachers have it rough as it is. The Greatest Show On Earth is a book that puts the creationism/Intelligent Design movement in its rightful place; as a laughably banal folkism that has absolutely no place to stand beside a tested and true scientific theory with as much integrity as evolution through natural selection. We are lucky to have an educator with as much passion for the subject as Richard Dawkins and I am personally thankful for the sense of thoroughness, importance and wonder that he brings to this fantastic book. I would, in a moment's notice, offer it to anyone to read so that they, too, can see how awesome reality is without ever having to include god in the equation at all.
03 April 2010
Health Care Reform Has Holes
I am not a fan of the new healthcare reform bill.
Let me start off by saying that requiring me to purchase health insurance is unconstitutional. This provision was put in place to prevent people from riding along without paying for insurance, then purchasing it when they needed it (because, in theory, they can no longer be denied because of a pre-existing condition), but the resulting requirement of mandatory health insurance is obscene. This very debacle casts a dubious light on the concept of health insurance in the first place. Let's break it down. Insurance is, by its origin and nature, a for-profit endeavor. What this "health care reform" bill has done is not fix health care, but force the nation to completely rely on an industry that ONLY exists for profit. It is because of the greed of the health insurance industry that actual health care costs so much in the first place, and now they are the ultimate gatekeepers of health services and their related costs.
In addition to the havoc wreaked on the financial lives of hundreds of millions of people, health insurance companies are now trying to wiggle through loopholes caused by unspecific wording in the bill to prevent needing to provide insurance to those who may cost them most money. They are not, however, trying to prevent the inevitable surge of insurance customers they will receive. Though we would like to believe that both sides of the aisle (or at least one) were acting on behalf of the American public, this is beginning to sound like an agreement heavily influenced by a private industry. This is no different than wording your own compromise, reaching a deal, then pointing out the inspecificity of the portions that you compromised on. Once again, the American public has been played for a fool.
If you're going to socialize medicine, then fucking socialize it. I have no problems with this notion. The government should provide services that the private sector cannot be relied upon to do. Private companies do not own our roads or our water, and for good reason. The right to a healthy life is one of those unalienable, natural rights we humans theoretically possess and since the private sector has proven incompetent in handling health, I see no problem with the government stepping in and providing their own version. If this puts insurance companies out of business, why should we care? If anything, it would serve as evidence that their business was built on an anti-competitive model, relying on the monopoly provided to them by the legislature that they lobbied for in the first place. I have no sympathy for private enterprise that uses the government as a tool against its own consumers.
Even a public option or a single-payer model would have been a better path. If people are worried about waiting in line, imagine worrying about getting care at all. I remain uninsured. The cost of insurance has not gone down and it won't as long as the entire industry is managed by a purely for-profit endeavor. There is a scenario that I play out in my head frequently: I get injured and have to go to the hospital. The resulting bill is obscenely large; for not more than a few hours and a few procedures, I am billed in excess of $15,000. This would, undoubtedly, cripple the savings I have built up over the last 9 months that I intend to go toward my future. Now, I expect the following response: "You should have gotten insurance." Should have, right? Surely, I am to blame. It's like purchasing a bucket of lottery tickets every round, and hitting the jackpot simply means that I don't lose the rest of the money I haven't given away. There are better ways to live and other countries prove it.
I'm not here to argue about capitalism and what would happen if... My argument is very simple: US health care sucks and it has not gotten better. While politicians jerk themselves off, my situation has not changed. In 2014, it will get worse if I don't have employer-provided insurance yet. The American public has been played like a fiddle on both sides. The "conservatives" thought they were fighting some great war against socialism while they sold themselves out as pawns in a corporation's lobby game. The "liberals" have been sold a bill that has been spun to read like a revolution, but in fact balks when you ask it to do something worthwhile. I don't know where I would stand along the spectrum, but you can count me as someone who is not impressed at all by the banal political theater surrounding this ghastly patchwork of legislature. The Republicans and Democrats, bound in their eternal struggle against each other, have let the real enemy, greedy insurance, slip away with the money sack.
Let me start off by saying that requiring me to purchase health insurance is unconstitutional. This provision was put in place to prevent people from riding along without paying for insurance, then purchasing it when they needed it (because, in theory, they can no longer be denied because of a pre-existing condition), but the resulting requirement of mandatory health insurance is obscene. This very debacle casts a dubious light on the concept of health insurance in the first place. Let's break it down. Insurance is, by its origin and nature, a for-profit endeavor. What this "health care reform" bill has done is not fix health care, but force the nation to completely rely on an industry that ONLY exists for profit. It is because of the greed of the health insurance industry that actual health care costs so much in the first place, and now they are the ultimate gatekeepers of health services and their related costs.
In addition to the havoc wreaked on the financial lives of hundreds of millions of people, health insurance companies are now trying to wiggle through loopholes caused by unspecific wording in the bill to prevent needing to provide insurance to those who may cost them most money. They are not, however, trying to prevent the inevitable surge of insurance customers they will receive. Though we would like to believe that both sides of the aisle (or at least one) were acting on behalf of the American public, this is beginning to sound like an agreement heavily influenced by a private industry. This is no different than wording your own compromise, reaching a deal, then pointing out the inspecificity of the portions that you compromised on. Once again, the American public has been played for a fool.
If you're going to socialize medicine, then fucking socialize it. I have no problems with this notion. The government should provide services that the private sector cannot be relied upon to do. Private companies do not own our roads or our water, and for good reason. The right to a healthy life is one of those unalienable, natural rights we humans theoretically possess and since the private sector has proven incompetent in handling health, I see no problem with the government stepping in and providing their own version. If this puts insurance companies out of business, why should we care? If anything, it would serve as evidence that their business was built on an anti-competitive model, relying on the monopoly provided to them by the legislature that they lobbied for in the first place. I have no sympathy for private enterprise that uses the government as a tool against its own consumers.
Even a public option or a single-payer model would have been a better path. If people are worried about waiting in line, imagine worrying about getting care at all. I remain uninsured. The cost of insurance has not gone down and it won't as long as the entire industry is managed by a purely for-profit endeavor. There is a scenario that I play out in my head frequently: I get injured and have to go to the hospital. The resulting bill is obscenely large; for not more than a few hours and a few procedures, I am billed in excess of $15,000. This would, undoubtedly, cripple the savings I have built up over the last 9 months that I intend to go toward my future. Now, I expect the following response: "You should have gotten insurance." Should have, right? Surely, I am to blame. It's like purchasing a bucket of lottery tickets every round, and hitting the jackpot simply means that I don't lose the rest of the money I haven't given away. There are better ways to live and other countries prove it.
I'm not here to argue about capitalism and what would happen if... My argument is very simple: US health care sucks and it has not gotten better. While politicians jerk themselves off, my situation has not changed. In 2014, it will get worse if I don't have employer-provided insurance yet. The American public has been played like a fiddle on both sides. The "conservatives" thought they were fighting some great war against socialism while they sold themselves out as pawns in a corporation's lobby game. The "liberals" have been sold a bill that has been spun to read like a revolution, but in fact balks when you ask it to do something worthwhile. I don't know where I would stand along the spectrum, but you can count me as someone who is not impressed at all by the banal political theater surrounding this ghastly patchwork of legislature. The Republicans and Democrats, bound in their eternal struggle against each other, have let the real enemy, greedy insurance, slip away with the money sack.
02 April 2010
Porn: From The Inside (Part 3 of 3)
(Today, we have the conclusion of my story. If you missed it, here is Part 1, and here is Part 2.)
The Change
As I've mentioned before, the Internet porn industry keeps getting harder and harder to keep up with. Matt and I often said that if we could make just as much money shooting the girls fully clothed, we'd do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Eventually Matt submitted to the whims of the market and we began to produce hardcore material: people fucking. The decision wasn't a favorite of mine, but it didn't ruin any of the luster. Most of the girls had plans for hardcore work in the industry, and those who didn't would eventually get talked into it for enough money. That's just the way it went.
The day we first started filming people fucking was the most memorable for me. Matt had moved into a new house to be more comfortable and live a more relaxed lifestyle, so I now had an office that was my own little haven. I even had a bed to rest on if I could get over the realization of what it was repeatedly used for when I was not around. You could imagine my discomfort as I tried to construct a few lines of code with the sounds of a laboriously fake orgasm raking through my ears. This was a new element of my job that I guess I was just going to have to get used to.
On a trip to the kitchen to get a glass of water, having to step around two people on the ground going at it like wind-up toys was also awkward. Lunch had just been delivered and I needed something to wash it down before I dove in. On the return trip, I passed by the writhing mass of 'talent' again. This time I added a witty, work-related quip as they paused to change positions.
"Don't get a cramp!"
I sat back down at my desk and unwrapped my lunch. I then lifted half of the twelve-inch Subway sandwich to my mouth... and held it there. The phallic significance of the sandwich was starting to seep through to my conscience. I was helpless against such thoughts. With a sigh, I set the sandwich back down upon its wrapper. Hardcore porn had ruined my lunch.
I haven't mentioned yet how disillusioned I'd purposefully been about many of the models who came in to work. When a hot girl came in, I'd have the same expectations for her as I did all of them. I secretly wished for each girl to be a smart, well-adjusted college student who had just come upon some hard luck and needed a couple hundred dollars really quickly, or the same type who was also so secure with her sexuality that she wanted to model for fun because it pleased her. Every day I came in to work, I hoped to meet the girl of my dreams. Given the reality of the situation, I was surprised I wasn't made fun of more than I was already.
Mirium was one of three models that we shot who all worked at the same hair salon in Lancaster. I only mention that information beyond her name in case you're ever in Lancaster and are looking for any redeeming qualities about that area. I knew she was trouble when Matt told me how she was talking dirty to him during the first half of her photo shoot. Thinking nothing of it, as I wasn't too attracted to her, I went about my work as he returned to the second half of the shoot. I was happily typing away at a project when Mirium busted into my office, completely naked.
"I have a special talent, want to see?"
Before I tell you what her talent was, I feel like I should tell you about everything that I hoped it would be at the time. The first thing that came to my mind was the idea that she wanted to show off her incredible talent at giving head. When she made a move toward the bed instead of my chair, that fantasy was quickly upgraded to a talent of being able to provide hot, wild sex to any male in need. My eyes were wide and I was ready to pounce on her.. She planted herself on the bed, leaned back, lifted her knees up, grabbed them and spread her legs, revealing her rather large vagina to me. I was on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, ready to dive in..
She... had a look on her face. It wasn't the look that I was hoping for. It was more a look of intense concentration. I wasn't sure if I was disappointed yet because I somehow knew that something very special was about to happen. I thought about the possibilities. Perhaps she was going to coax herself to a squirting orgasm without touching. Perhaps she had a ping-pong ball hidden in there, ready to fly in my direction with the right contraction of her muscles. Maybe she just had a really awkward way of seducing men. Nothing I could think of, though, could prepare me for what I was about to... hear.
It came in disjointed sequence at first; a little out of tune perhaps. It improved as she went along, though. The sounds she was making with her vagina drew my attention in. I was mesmerized. She was queefing "Mary Had A Little Lamb." If you think about all the kids you cheered in middle school as they performed an armpit symphony or belched the alphabet in a single breath, they had nothing on Mirium. This was divine. I applauded.
The Clientèle
For some people, porn is a serious subject. Almost gravely serious. I'm not talking about the nay-sayers who think it's the cause of all the world's problems; I'm talking about the clients. As mentioned, Matt's girlfriend is a model. To be more specific, though, she is a fetish model. If you wish, for a significant fee she will make a customized video to your specifications. Go ahead, think of anything.
How about blowing bubbles? No, I'm not talking about clown porn. I'm talking about 3 pieces of Bubblicious gum, chewed up and orally inflated to and past the point of bursting. For thirty minutes. Some guy paid one thousand dollars for a video of that. You're probably wondering if she was naked, tied up or if any other props were involved. No. It was a half hour of just her head and subsequent bubbles that emerged from it. One grand. That is some serious fetish.
Not impressed? Ok. Ants. We left a donut on the cement patio in the back yard. Within an hour, it was covered in ants. The video consisted of nothing more than our beloved fetish model angrily stomping on the helpless insects and shouting condescending remarks down at them. Now, I can understand the loose logic that one would use to justify the sexual value of this situation. Obviously the guy is imagining himself as the ant, being insulted, dominated and crushed by a hot girl with huge tits. Still, as tolerant and open minded as I am, I've got to say, "That is not normal."
In my many years of browsing the Internet, I have come across many porn sites. Most are all the same, but there have have been a few that I keep in a shoe box in my heart. I've seen snot porn. I've seen an erotic site with pictures of girls with their cars stuck in the mud. I've even seen a site where all the photos were touched up to give girls pointed ears, selling them as elves. The truth is, those sites were created in humor and were not actually open for business. The stuff that I got to witness was paid for with more than two months worth of car payments.
Remember the scene in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" where Baron von Rotton punched a cannister of ACME glue? The glue was fittingly cartoon-like in its stretching ability. That kind of glue actually exists. I know this because we had to use it as a prop. The situation was this: Our beautiful busty babe was to be walking to her car, on her way to work. Not far from the door, she would pause, look down, and find herself stuck in a patch of glue. She would then, for five minutes, struggle to free herself from her stretchy restraint. After she managed to do that, she would take another step and find herself attached to the ground once again. This time, it would take fifteen minutes to free herself before getting in her car and driving off. A thousand dollars.
In two years of working close to the action of the porn industry, I've personally met close to three hundred models. Some became famous; some made a beeline for the door as soon as it dawned on them exactly what kind of photo shoot their agent sent them to. Out of all of them though, about two of them were what I would consider normal. I suppose that's just right considering the mentality of those who put their hard earned money into the fantasy. To quote Matt and his infinite wisdom, "Porn is funny."
The Change
As I've mentioned before, the Internet porn industry keeps getting harder and harder to keep up with. Matt and I often said that if we could make just as much money shooting the girls fully clothed, we'd do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Eventually Matt submitted to the whims of the market and we began to produce hardcore material: people fucking. The decision wasn't a favorite of mine, but it didn't ruin any of the luster. Most of the girls had plans for hardcore work in the industry, and those who didn't would eventually get talked into it for enough money. That's just the way it went.
The day we first started filming people fucking was the most memorable for me. Matt had moved into a new house to be more comfortable and live a more relaxed lifestyle, so I now had an office that was my own little haven. I even had a bed to rest on if I could get over the realization of what it was repeatedly used for when I was not around. You could imagine my discomfort as I tried to construct a few lines of code with the sounds of a laboriously fake orgasm raking through my ears. This was a new element of my job that I guess I was just going to have to get used to.
On a trip to the kitchen to get a glass of water, having to step around two people on the ground going at it like wind-up toys was also awkward. Lunch had just been delivered and I needed something to wash it down before I dove in. On the return trip, I passed by the writhing mass of 'talent' again. This time I added a witty, work-related quip as they paused to change positions.
"Don't get a cramp!"
I sat back down at my desk and unwrapped my lunch. I then lifted half of the twelve-inch Subway sandwich to my mouth... and held it there. The phallic significance of the sandwich was starting to seep through to my conscience. I was helpless against such thoughts. With a sigh, I set the sandwich back down upon its wrapper. Hardcore porn had ruined my lunch.
I haven't mentioned yet how disillusioned I'd purposefully been about many of the models who came in to work. When a hot girl came in, I'd have the same expectations for her as I did all of them. I secretly wished for each girl to be a smart, well-adjusted college student who had just come upon some hard luck and needed a couple hundred dollars really quickly, or the same type who was also so secure with her sexuality that she wanted to model for fun because it pleased her. Every day I came in to work, I hoped to meet the girl of my dreams. Given the reality of the situation, I was surprised I wasn't made fun of more than I was already.
Mirium was one of three models that we shot who all worked at the same hair salon in Lancaster. I only mention that information beyond her name in case you're ever in Lancaster and are looking for any redeeming qualities about that area. I knew she was trouble when Matt told me how she was talking dirty to him during the first half of her photo shoot. Thinking nothing of it, as I wasn't too attracted to her, I went about my work as he returned to the second half of the shoot. I was happily typing away at a project when Mirium busted into my office, completely naked.
"I have a special talent, want to see?"
Before I tell you what her talent was, I feel like I should tell you about everything that I hoped it would be at the time. The first thing that came to my mind was the idea that she wanted to show off her incredible talent at giving head. When she made a move toward the bed instead of my chair, that fantasy was quickly upgraded to a talent of being able to provide hot, wild sex to any male in need. My eyes were wide and I was ready to pounce on her.. She planted herself on the bed, leaned back, lifted her knees up, grabbed them and spread her legs, revealing her rather large vagina to me. I was on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, ready to dive in..
She... had a look on her face. It wasn't the look that I was hoping for. It was more a look of intense concentration. I wasn't sure if I was disappointed yet because I somehow knew that something very special was about to happen. I thought about the possibilities. Perhaps she was going to coax herself to a squirting orgasm without touching. Perhaps she had a ping-pong ball hidden in there, ready to fly in my direction with the right contraction of her muscles. Maybe she just had a really awkward way of seducing men. Nothing I could think of, though, could prepare me for what I was about to... hear.
It came in disjointed sequence at first; a little out of tune perhaps. It improved as she went along, though. The sounds she was making with her vagina drew my attention in. I was mesmerized. She was queefing "Mary Had A Little Lamb." If you think about all the kids you cheered in middle school as they performed an armpit symphony or belched the alphabet in a single breath, they had nothing on Mirium. This was divine. I applauded.
The Clientèle
For some people, porn is a serious subject. Almost gravely serious. I'm not talking about the nay-sayers who think it's the cause of all the world's problems; I'm talking about the clients. As mentioned, Matt's girlfriend is a model. To be more specific, though, she is a fetish model. If you wish, for a significant fee she will make a customized video to your specifications. Go ahead, think of anything.
How about blowing bubbles? No, I'm not talking about clown porn. I'm talking about 3 pieces of Bubblicious gum, chewed up and orally inflated to and past the point of bursting. For thirty minutes. Some guy paid one thousand dollars for a video of that. You're probably wondering if she was naked, tied up or if any other props were involved. No. It was a half hour of just her head and subsequent bubbles that emerged from it. One grand. That is some serious fetish.
Not impressed? Ok. Ants. We left a donut on the cement patio in the back yard. Within an hour, it was covered in ants. The video consisted of nothing more than our beloved fetish model angrily stomping on the helpless insects and shouting condescending remarks down at them. Now, I can understand the loose logic that one would use to justify the sexual value of this situation. Obviously the guy is imagining himself as the ant, being insulted, dominated and crushed by a hot girl with huge tits. Still, as tolerant and open minded as I am, I've got to say, "That is not normal."
In my many years of browsing the Internet, I have come across many porn sites. Most are all the same, but there have have been a few that I keep in a shoe box in my heart. I've seen snot porn. I've seen an erotic site with pictures of girls with their cars stuck in the mud. I've even seen a site where all the photos were touched up to give girls pointed ears, selling them as elves. The truth is, those sites were created in humor and were not actually open for business. The stuff that I got to witness was paid for with more than two months worth of car payments.
Remember the scene in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" where Baron von Rotton punched a cannister of ACME glue? The glue was fittingly cartoon-like in its stretching ability. That kind of glue actually exists. I know this because we had to use it as a prop. The situation was this: Our beautiful busty babe was to be walking to her car, on her way to work. Not far from the door, she would pause, look down, and find herself stuck in a patch of glue. She would then, for five minutes, struggle to free herself from her stretchy restraint. After she managed to do that, she would take another step and find herself attached to the ground once again. This time, it would take fifteen minutes to free herself before getting in her car and driving off. A thousand dollars.
In two years of working close to the action of the porn industry, I've personally met close to three hundred models. Some became famous; some made a beeline for the door as soon as it dawned on them exactly what kind of photo shoot their agent sent them to. Out of all of them though, about two of them were what I would consider normal. I suppose that's just right considering the mentality of those who put their hard earned money into the fantasy. To quote Matt and his infinite wisdom, "Porn is funny."
01 April 2010
Porn: From The Inside (Part 2 of 3)
(Continuing the story, from Part 1, which can be found here.)
The Perks
The Internet porn industry is a fiercely competitive field. Anyone who looks at it and sees easy money is only seeing the shiny surface. Every day, people are coming out with new, more outrageous stunts to shock viewers and win some sign-ups out of pure curiosity. The sites that cannot keep pace will often fold into obsolescence. It's a wonder, then, how Matt managed for so long to maintain a site in which none of the girls were artificially enhanced (either by surgery, makeup or digital airbrush); nor did they ever co-star with a team of naked circus dwarves, let alone a standard issue stud with a giant penis. His secret is as simple as getting the hottest girls, getting them before anyone else did, and shooting them in a nice comfortable environment. His secret was my very unprofessional pleasure.
Matt occasionally kept models away from my desk if he felt that they could not perform with a nerd with raging hormones in the room. Sometimes, we had girls who thrived on it. For example, Violet.
I remember Violet as the stripper from San Dimas. She had driven over an hour and a half just to earn some money so that she could pay the rent or buy some drugs - who knew. She wasn't a knockout, so you could argue that any attention you gave her was appreciated. She had a few crooked teeth and it was obvious she didn't exercise anywhere else besides the stripper pole. Along with some tattoos and piercings, she had (fittingly enough) violet streaks running through her raven black hair. In other words, she had a great personality.
After her photo shoot, Violet was supposed to leave, but Matt left to run some errands and gave me the task of showing her to the door. I didn't really get around to that, though. We talked. She told me about how she plays dungeons & dragons and does drugs too. I could have sworn that I was turned off to learn of such things, but somehow I found my hands cupped over her breasts, gripping them firmly for the lens of our office webcam. Isn’t it funny how these things rush up on you?
Violet told me that she liked to be spanked. Like any true gentleman, I gave her what she wanted. Slap after slap after slap, my palm and fingertips were going numb against her denim-clad ass. She begged for more as I quietly wondered what the hell made this woman tick. I hoped that I could satisfy her before I broke a blood vessel in my hand. She moved to lean against the wall. I was taking running starts with each slap now, and with each one she moaned, and I wondered if my rosy hand would ever regain its natural pasty hue.
Matt walked back into the apartment with a droll look on his face and I suddenly realized that I had crossed the professional boundary. I apologized, acting meek, subtly insinuating that she came on to ME. Matt became amused when he heard what we had been doing. He reprimanded me, insisting that next time I needed to get it on video. Slightly humbled and confused, I turned to Violet and shrugged. She grinned back at me.
A couple weeks later, Violet was back for the video shoot. I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment ever since it was suggested. You have to be really focused when you're about to beat someone senseless entirely for their pleasure, right? The thing that really interested me was the fact that Violet got anything out of it at all. I suppose I was happy to be able to give her a little pleasure, but at the time I would rather have given her a nice massage as she basked in a bubble bath. I was such a pussy back then.
I discussed with Violet what she wanted me to do and what I was not allowed to do. Whipping, spanking, pinching, twisting, squeezing, rubbing, scratching: yes. Kissing, licking, spreading, fucking: no. It occurred to me that the concept of romance was entirely lost on some people. The next issue was tying her up. I played with the nylon bondage rope that Matt had acquired for the day, but was ultimately lost as to what I was supposed to do with it in relation to the task at hand.
As an aside, I want to state how awkward it was working inside my boss’s personal living space. While it created excellent opportunities for bonding, some things became too familiar too quick. For example: Matt’s own little form of bonding with his girlfriend.
Matt was happy to help me tie Violet up. He took the rope and quickly demonstrated a few techniques for me, then called Violet over and began to bind her wrists and ankles together. I observed with an uncomfortable look on my face. Something I wasn't particularly willing to let enter my mind at the moment wiggled its way in. Images of the random props strewn about the apartment every morning flashed before my eyes. One thing in particular, the Bondage 101 book I had only given an uncaring glance at before, hovered above me in my mind. I told my brain to shut up.
With Violet prepared, her ankles together and her hands bound behind her back, I put on the finishing touch; a strip of cloth to gag her. The camera began to roll and I threw her down on the red couch, ripped off her clothes, and spanked and whipped the hell out of her for all I was worth. At least I thought I did. Friends who saw the video later told me that I looked like I wanted to apologize after every slap. So much for my budding porn career.
We took a lunch break in the middle of the shoot and ordered pizza. Unwilling to go through the process of tying all the knots again, we left Violet tied up, much to her sick pleasure. As the front desk called up to announce the arrival of the pizza delivery man, an idea crept into my head and I gave everyone their direction. We dragged Violet over to the hallway that lead to the front door. The doorbell rang and Matt went to open the door. He opened it wide. When Violet's eyes met those of the pizza delivery guy, she began to scream against her gag and squirm in her restraints. I moved into the picture, gave the pizza guy an accusing look, grabbed Violet and dragged her out of view.
Matt said the look on the guy's face was priceless. It took a few minutes to fully explain himself to the man so he wouldn't call the cops. We had a little chuckle and ate our food, keeping an eye on Violet as she attempted to eat with her hands and feet incapacitated. She assured us, through it all, that she was enjoying it. Violet, we salute you.
April Fools
A job in the porn industry would not be nearly as enjoyable as this was if not for the awesome relationship between Matt and myself. And what's the fun of such a tight bond between two people if you can't test it out once in a while? I'm not a religious guy, and I certainly don't stand on ceremony, but April 1st is the one holiday I celebrate with devotion.
When your life revolves around one thing and one thing only, you pray against anything ever happening to it. Even if you're not religious, you pray. Example: One time, Matt's domain name (the dot com Internet address) had been stolen by some teenager from Turkey. Matt was crushed. Luckily, the kid felt too much guilt to hold out for a ransom, and he released the domain for Matt to re-acquire. Witnessing the worry and stress apparent on Matt's face throughout the whole ordeal concerned me. He really would have been fucked if not for one young boy's remorse. Five years of work almost down the drain. I felt sorry for my dear friend. Not sorry enough, though, to resist pushing that button again for my own sick amusement.
On that holy day at the start of April, I set my diabolical scheme in motion. I programmed every page on the site to specifically detect our Internet connection when we access the site. The instructions I placed on the files when it detected our connection would replace the normal page that everyone else saw with the following plain text message:
"fuck you matt
im tired of being teh ass of all your jokes
u and ur web master can go to hell
happy fucking 500 models i deleted them all
rg"
"rg" were the initials of a particular photographer who we frequently made fun of. It was a flawless plan. No business was interrupted and Matt would think that his site got hacked. In time, apparently. It took until about 2pm that day for Matt to notice the surprise. Brian Adams went dead silent in the middle of "Summer of '69" and you could sense it in the air. His weak, shaken voice warbled through the hall.
"Umm... Andrew?"
The patter of Matt's footsteps clamoring toward my office was exquisite. He busted into the room and I put on my best puzzled face.
"What's wrong with the site?" he asked.
I gave his question a brief moment of inward contemplation, then swiveled my chair around to face my computer. I loaded the site on my computer and was greeted with my ingenious note. I didn't even have to read it, but I acted as if I were absorbing it word by word.
"Woah. That is fucked up."
All Matt needed to hear was the worried tone of my voice and he was running back down the hall to his own office. I heard him get on the phone with Tim, our server host. He was asking Tim what happened to the site. He was on the verge of tears. I didn't have the heart to let it continue further. The last thing I wanted to do was to explain to Tim why Matt was chewing his ass out over the phone. I sent Matt a short little instant message. "April Fools."
I got him good. However, I wasn't done. As I mentioned before, Matt's girlfriend is a model. I ran her website as well. She was off at a photo shoot while all of this transpired so the fix was on. I ran through the same process with her site, except her message revealed her real name, her address, her cell phone number, and a really bad picture of her. I even threw in her mother's phone number for kicks. The initials this time were those of a photographer with whom she recently had a little argument. Matt was in on it with me this time. Having felt the power of my mighty maleficence, he was anxious to see where this could possibly go.
Later on that night, when she got home, her site was the first thing she checked after she walked in the door. Screaming. Hysterical screaming. She ran into Matt's office and demanded that he fix it right away. Matt was quite the actor himself, so he did his best to calm her down before placing a mock phone call to Tim. Pretending to be speaking to his host, he argued for a moment with the imaginary Tim.
"How long will it take to fix the site?"
......
"THREE WEEKS?!?!"
Screaming. Hysterical screaming.
At that point Matt chickened out. He had to dump the blame entirely on me or else he wouldn't get laid that night. I can't say that I blame him. They both vowed revenge on me the following day. Good fucking luck.
With all the fun that I had at that job I can't help but feel that it was absolute luck that I was in the right position to be hired. Matt later revealed to me, after I told him the thing about the shoes at the interview, that he simply saw a skinny nerd without a tan and knew that I was exactly what he was looking for. Ahh, but even skinny nerds have their day of glory.
(Stay tuned for part 3 tomorrow!)
The Perks
The Internet porn industry is a fiercely competitive field. Anyone who looks at it and sees easy money is only seeing the shiny surface. Every day, people are coming out with new, more outrageous stunts to shock viewers and win some sign-ups out of pure curiosity. The sites that cannot keep pace will often fold into obsolescence. It's a wonder, then, how Matt managed for so long to maintain a site in which none of the girls were artificially enhanced (either by surgery, makeup or digital airbrush); nor did they ever co-star with a team of naked circus dwarves, let alone a standard issue stud with a giant penis. His secret is as simple as getting the hottest girls, getting them before anyone else did, and shooting them in a nice comfortable environment. His secret was my very unprofessional pleasure.
Matt occasionally kept models away from my desk if he felt that they could not perform with a nerd with raging hormones in the room. Sometimes, we had girls who thrived on it. For example, Violet.
I remember Violet as the stripper from San Dimas. She had driven over an hour and a half just to earn some money so that she could pay the rent or buy some drugs - who knew. She wasn't a knockout, so you could argue that any attention you gave her was appreciated. She had a few crooked teeth and it was obvious she didn't exercise anywhere else besides the stripper pole. Along with some tattoos and piercings, she had (fittingly enough) violet streaks running through her raven black hair. In other words, she had a great personality.
After her photo shoot, Violet was supposed to leave, but Matt left to run some errands and gave me the task of showing her to the door. I didn't really get around to that, though. We talked. She told me about how she plays dungeons & dragons and does drugs too. I could have sworn that I was turned off to learn of such things, but somehow I found my hands cupped over her breasts, gripping them firmly for the lens of our office webcam. Isn’t it funny how these things rush up on you?
Violet told me that she liked to be spanked. Like any true gentleman, I gave her what she wanted. Slap after slap after slap, my palm and fingertips were going numb against her denim-clad ass. She begged for more as I quietly wondered what the hell made this woman tick. I hoped that I could satisfy her before I broke a blood vessel in my hand. She moved to lean against the wall. I was taking running starts with each slap now, and with each one she moaned, and I wondered if my rosy hand would ever regain its natural pasty hue.
Matt walked back into the apartment with a droll look on his face and I suddenly realized that I had crossed the professional boundary. I apologized, acting meek, subtly insinuating that she came on to ME. Matt became amused when he heard what we had been doing. He reprimanded me, insisting that next time I needed to get it on video. Slightly humbled and confused, I turned to Violet and shrugged. She grinned back at me.
A couple weeks later, Violet was back for the video shoot. I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment ever since it was suggested. You have to be really focused when you're about to beat someone senseless entirely for their pleasure, right? The thing that really interested me was the fact that Violet got anything out of it at all. I suppose I was happy to be able to give her a little pleasure, but at the time I would rather have given her a nice massage as she basked in a bubble bath. I was such a pussy back then.
I discussed with Violet what she wanted me to do and what I was not allowed to do. Whipping, spanking, pinching, twisting, squeezing, rubbing, scratching: yes. Kissing, licking, spreading, fucking: no. It occurred to me that the concept of romance was entirely lost on some people. The next issue was tying her up. I played with the nylon bondage rope that Matt had acquired for the day, but was ultimately lost as to what I was supposed to do with it in relation to the task at hand.
As an aside, I want to state how awkward it was working inside my boss’s personal living space. While it created excellent opportunities for bonding, some things became too familiar too quick. For example: Matt’s own little form of bonding with his girlfriend.
Matt was happy to help me tie Violet up. He took the rope and quickly demonstrated a few techniques for me, then called Violet over and began to bind her wrists and ankles together. I observed with an uncomfortable look on my face. Something I wasn't particularly willing to let enter my mind at the moment wiggled its way in. Images of the random props strewn about the apartment every morning flashed before my eyes. One thing in particular, the Bondage 101 book I had only given an uncaring glance at before, hovered above me in my mind. I told my brain to shut up.
With Violet prepared, her ankles together and her hands bound behind her back, I put on the finishing touch; a strip of cloth to gag her. The camera began to roll and I threw her down on the red couch, ripped off her clothes, and spanked and whipped the hell out of her for all I was worth. At least I thought I did. Friends who saw the video later told me that I looked like I wanted to apologize after every slap. So much for my budding porn career.
We took a lunch break in the middle of the shoot and ordered pizza. Unwilling to go through the process of tying all the knots again, we left Violet tied up, much to her sick pleasure. As the front desk called up to announce the arrival of the pizza delivery man, an idea crept into my head and I gave everyone their direction. We dragged Violet over to the hallway that lead to the front door. The doorbell rang and Matt went to open the door. He opened it wide. When Violet's eyes met those of the pizza delivery guy, she began to scream against her gag and squirm in her restraints. I moved into the picture, gave the pizza guy an accusing look, grabbed Violet and dragged her out of view.
Matt said the look on the guy's face was priceless. It took a few minutes to fully explain himself to the man so he wouldn't call the cops. We had a little chuckle and ate our food, keeping an eye on Violet as she attempted to eat with her hands and feet incapacitated. She assured us, through it all, that she was enjoying it. Violet, we salute you.
April Fools
A job in the porn industry would not be nearly as enjoyable as this was if not for the awesome relationship between Matt and myself. And what's the fun of such a tight bond between two people if you can't test it out once in a while? I'm not a religious guy, and I certainly don't stand on ceremony, but April 1st is the one holiday I celebrate with devotion.
When your life revolves around one thing and one thing only, you pray against anything ever happening to it. Even if you're not religious, you pray. Example: One time, Matt's domain name (the dot com Internet address) had been stolen by some teenager from Turkey. Matt was crushed. Luckily, the kid felt too much guilt to hold out for a ransom, and he released the domain for Matt to re-acquire. Witnessing the worry and stress apparent on Matt's face throughout the whole ordeal concerned me. He really would have been fucked if not for one young boy's remorse. Five years of work almost down the drain. I felt sorry for my dear friend. Not sorry enough, though, to resist pushing that button again for my own sick amusement.
On that holy day at the start of April, I set my diabolical scheme in motion. I programmed every page on the site to specifically detect our Internet connection when we access the site. The instructions I placed on the files when it detected our connection would replace the normal page that everyone else saw with the following plain text message:
"fuck you matt
im tired of being teh ass of all your jokes
u and ur web master can go to hell
happy fucking 500 models i deleted them all
rg"
"rg" were the initials of a particular photographer who we frequently made fun of. It was a flawless plan. No business was interrupted and Matt would think that his site got hacked. In time, apparently. It took until about 2pm that day for Matt to notice the surprise. Brian Adams went dead silent in the middle of "Summer of '69" and you could sense it in the air. His weak, shaken voice warbled through the hall.
"Umm... Andrew?"
The patter of Matt's footsteps clamoring toward my office was exquisite. He busted into the room and I put on my best puzzled face.
"What's wrong with the site?" he asked.
I gave his question a brief moment of inward contemplation, then swiveled my chair around to face my computer. I loaded the site on my computer and was greeted with my ingenious note. I didn't even have to read it, but I acted as if I were absorbing it word by word.
"Woah. That is fucked up."
All Matt needed to hear was the worried tone of my voice and he was running back down the hall to his own office. I heard him get on the phone with Tim, our server host. He was asking Tim what happened to the site. He was on the verge of tears. I didn't have the heart to let it continue further. The last thing I wanted to do was to explain to Tim why Matt was chewing his ass out over the phone. I sent Matt a short little instant message. "April Fools."
I got him good. However, I wasn't done. As I mentioned before, Matt's girlfriend is a model. I ran her website as well. She was off at a photo shoot while all of this transpired so the fix was on. I ran through the same process with her site, except her message revealed her real name, her address, her cell phone number, and a really bad picture of her. I even threw in her mother's phone number for kicks. The initials this time were those of a photographer with whom she recently had a little argument. Matt was in on it with me this time. Having felt the power of my mighty maleficence, he was anxious to see where this could possibly go.
Later on that night, when she got home, her site was the first thing she checked after she walked in the door. Screaming. Hysterical screaming. She ran into Matt's office and demanded that he fix it right away. Matt was quite the actor himself, so he did his best to calm her down before placing a mock phone call to Tim. Pretending to be speaking to his host, he argued for a moment with the imaginary Tim.
"How long will it take to fix the site?"
......
"THREE WEEKS?!?!"
Screaming. Hysterical screaming.
At that point Matt chickened out. He had to dump the blame entirely on me or else he wouldn't get laid that night. I can't say that I blame him. They both vowed revenge on me the following day. Good fucking luck.
With all the fun that I had at that job I can't help but feel that it was absolute luck that I was in the right position to be hired. Matt later revealed to me, after I told him the thing about the shoes at the interview, that he simply saw a skinny nerd without a tan and knew that I was exactly what he was looking for. Ahh, but even skinny nerds have their day of glory.
(Stay tuned for part 3 tomorrow!)
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