The year began with me getting fired from my job. I didn't get laid off; I was terminated for bad behavior. Frankly, I was a pain in the ass because I was so unhappy with how I was being treated and how the company never seemed to learn from its mistakes. After almost 2 years at the job (and being the employee with the most seniority, to give you an idea of the turnover rate), I was glad to be released and also terrified because I had been searching for a new job for months already with no success. My wife, Jas, from whom I had already emotionally separated, had been unemployed for several months already. We had moved into a new apartment in Manhattan's very expensive Gramercy neighborhood 6 months prior, and with both of our incomes now reduced to our unemployment checks, we knew that hard times were coming. Our combined income did not even cover our monthly rent.
The previous year, I had received a little shock upon moving into the new apartment when I was handed the moving bill. It cost $1600 to move all my crap a few miles from Brooklyn to Manhattan. This was disconcerting, but not enough to quell my consumerism as I proceeded to acquire more goods to fill up all the extra space that I now had. Life was good when both Jas and I were employed, but when 2009 began with its opening act, the empty shell of success started cracking apart. We began the process of downsizing our lives. We prepared food at home, relied on our Netflix and World of Warcraft accounts for entertainment and rarely went out to socialize. Rather than be depressed about my situation, I embraced it as the break that I had been asking for while trudging through my day job the previous two years.
The first step for me was to reconcile my ambitions with my capabilities. I knew that I wanted to become a writer and that I wanted to start my own business, but you can't simply wish for these things to manifest themselves. After so many years of complaining that the world owed me a chance to prove myself, I set out to actually work on my ideas. I knew that I didn't have an unlimited amount of time to do this and by May, I was eating deep into my IRA account to stay afloat. I created this blog and made a concerted effort to regularly attend the writing group I had only periodically attended for several years. As far as my business ideas went, I knew that with no extra money, I could not get anything started, but I could use my extra time to do research. I began talking about my plans in conversations more, soliciting reactions from people who heard the concept for the first time, using their impressions to further refine my ideas.
May also brought a feeling of unrest that I was familiar with. I am not a slow burner. If I see my light slowly extinguishing as it burns off the last of its fuel, I would sooner use that last bit of fuel to send out a flare than to wait any longer to see it flicker out. So, with all I had left of my retirement savings, I purchased a trip to Lisbon, Portugal, adding in Paris, France as an intermediate destination. I had a friend I wanted to visit in Portugal and I had always wanted to see Paris. I figured that I could possibly stumble upon opportunities for a new life or maybe just find inspiration in Europe. My mind was open to anything, but I wanted mostly to just pretend that I wasn't going to be broke in a couple months.
The trip began in early June and I spent 4 days walking around Paris by myself. I didn't know anyone or anywhere, but I figured things out from guide books at my hotel and from online friends. The experience wasn't very fulfilling, but it was a huge confidence builder. I did things that I am proud of now that I didn't think were very great then. There was an aspect of Paris that just beat me down, like my internal compass was broken. I usually am a great instinctual navigator, but I got lost so many times that I was close to tears when I finally asked for help. But I learned, and I adapted. I also felt very saddened by the lack of originality in any of the restaurants I visited. Three days in, I had only found one good meal, but it was one that had been specifically suggested by a friend, not one I had found on my own. By my final day in Paris, I was able to walk around on instinct, finally happening upon a restaurant that looked out at the Bastille where I had a damn good meal at last. This is what I do, I told myself, I throw myself out there.
Portugal was enchanting, but I was let off easy. Every need I had was taken care of by my friend, who even became my lover. This turned a trip of exploration into more of a fairy tale. She introduced me to amazing, delicious food, beautiful scenery, and amusing customs. By the time my trip was up, I was considering staying for the hell of it. Alas, the only thing preventing me from making that decision was my oldest sister's wedding, which I was due to attend in just a few days. I said goodbye and returned to New York, where I gathered myself for a day before heading off to California.
My sister's wedding took me from Los Angeles, to Reno, to the middle of nowhere, and back. The experience was relaxing, but the return from the fairy tale of Poartugal had reality setting in on my conscience. The miles I traveled served only to get me closer to the end. I knew that when I got home, I would be nearly penniless with only a week to find a new apartment before my lease ended. There were a couple choices for me, but most of them included continuing to live with Jas. While survival would normally be anyone else's top priority, mine was independence. My decision was made easier by an incredible piece of luck that fell into my lap as I left from breakfast to the hotel room in Reno on my return trip from the wedding. My old boss called and offered me my job back, with a raise.
I wanted to feign disinterest, but who could turn that down being in the situation I had gotten myself in? I landed back in New York with much more confidence than I had before. Jas had been busy selling as many possessions as we could to make whatever transition that was to happen easier. Coming home to an empty apartment was a relief, as I felt that I did not miss any of the things that were gone. Their weight had been lifted off of my conscience and I could move anywhere I wanted without worrying about the crap that I never used anyways. Starting up my old job, however, took away precious time I needed to find a new home. I had only a couple hours each day to check out apartments, which only produced disappointing candidates. Then, a second flare of luck lit up my path clear enough for me to see.
My friend Jordan, who had been nothing but awesome to me since we met on my first day at this job I would be returning to (except that Jordan had actually been fired before I was), dug into his bag of magic tricks and produced an apartment for me. It was small, but in a great neighborhood and it was owned by his step-father. The apartment was being kept as a backup residence, so it had had no tenants for a couple years, so Jordan convinced his step-father to rent it to me, and cheaply. Stepping inside, shrugging off the layers of dust and dead water bugs scattered around, I knew I had found my next home. I also knew what I had to do with Jas.
I told Jas that I would be moving out, on my own. This left her without a job and no place to even squat. My parents, being the good people that they are, offered to take her in while she got back on her feet. The finality of the situation somehow changed the emotional indifference we had been feeling for a year. We spent the last few days of our lease solemnly talking about our fractured relationship, expressing remorse over the different directions our lives had taken that lead us to the point we were at. With these exchanges, I felt myself missing her. It seemed like the first instance in a long time that we had shared our feelings honestly and I suddenly felt like the previous year had been a waste of anger and frustration. We had been living in silence for a year, only to hear about each others hidden affections on the eve of our definitive separation.
There was a final night when we sat talking about our current affections for different people and how they made us happy. Hearing her talk about the enjoyment she felt with someone else that she didn't feel with me stung. When I heard it, I lost my breath and an intense anger seethed inside me. I tried to tell her about how happy I was with my own love, but I felt like I was trying to hurt her more than anything. It was such a deep sensation of lost opportunity that I wished for the last year to suddenly be reset so I could do everything over again. I wanted to right all my wrongs right there in that moment. I wanted to erase any need she could ever have for another man by being everything she ever expected of me that I had once failed to show. There was no way to express this though, and I left for my new apartment. As I bid her goodbye, standing outside the door, I leaned in and we kissed. It was the most delicious kiss I had ever felt. It thrilled me for a single moment. And we were over.
As I settled into my new apartment and my new-improved job, my life started fresh. Self-reliance and personal responsibility suddenly became tangible concepts to me. I discovered all the talents that I had never let emerge when I lived with someone, like cleaning up after myself and hanging stuff on my walls. I could see myself starting to round into a real, responsible person.
At work, my bosses worked hard to assure me that this time around would be different. It took me a while to buy into this, but I appreciated the second chance that they were giving me. This did not prevent me from butting heads with them on several occasions. I was like Steve Irwin teasing a crocodile, pushing back at them every time I felt like they were trying to take advantage of me. I was hired as an independent contractor, which comes with a set of rights apart from general employment, and I made sure to exercise those rights to their frustration. This was to both remind them that they were cheating me by not giving me the security of employment despite my utilization and also to squeeze as much freedom out of the all-encompassing responsibility that they asked of me without said security. Through repeated discussions with the CEO about the nature of business, my employment, and the proposition of mutual respect between an employee and an employer, I gradually cooled down and began to trust that they actually wanted to do right by me. I currently find myself slowly accepting more responsibility and being respected as an authority in my area of expertise. On one hand, I feel like I do not deserve the patience they have shown me through this process. On the other, I feel vindicated for sticking up for myself so adamantly when I felt like I was being mishandled.
Meanwhile, I began using Mint.com to track my monthly spending and my view of money has taken a complete turn from where it had been to start the year. My new rent check is 40% of what it used be, but it is my complete departure from mindless consumerism that is making the biggest difference in my bank account. I no longer find myself browsing for the latest gadget to appease my desire to have the biggest and best. I've decided to live with only what I need (to a civilized degree). I don't even have cable hooked up in my apartment, which makes a pretty useless ornament out of my 52" TV; a leftover from my old apartment that I couldn't bring myself to sell. The result is 40% of my monthly income that I am able to put into a savings account for use in starting that mythical business of mine.
Buried within my budget, I found the money to join a gym. I've always had issues with my body image because it has been very difficult to passively gain weight, and being a walking stick figure is not as wonderful as it may seem. My motivation to begin working out started early in the year, as I hid from Jas in my bedroom with nothing but the floor to do push-ups on and a single weight to lift. This continued once I got to my new apartment and I saw enough progress with my body development to be comfortable in a gym setting. I lucked out once more when I discovered that a gym only 4 blocks from my apartment had 2 basketball courts and a rock climbing wall. Basketball being my favorite sport to play and the wall representing a new activity that seemed fun, I was sold on a membership almost instantly. Now, my body is improving greatly and I am feeling extremely fit and healthy. Climbing is an amazing activity that works all of my muscles and makes me think and strategize while basketball keeps me lean, energized and lively. I don't think I've ever had more confidence than I do now.
As we near the end of this year, my head is clear and I am full of optimism. I might even dare to say that I'm happy. My reading habit has lead to an intellectual resurgence that I had felt missing in previous years. My writing has certainly become a rewarding venture as people sign up to follow my blog and offer their feedback. This all took a few bull-headed moves and a couple strokes of luck. It could have easily ended up much worse, but I find myself breathlessly grateful for taking the risks I have. There are many parts of my life that I am leaving out of this narrative, but they are much more private and still too much in their development to comment decisively now. All that needs to be said at this point is that I'm heading in the right direction.
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