I've heard sexual exclusivity being described as utter and complete devotion to a single person and I wonder if I'm too jaded to think this is sane or if I simply haven't felt that way about someone yet. I've been in love before, but its never been that chick flick kind of love where you simply can't imagine your life without that person. I don't know for certain, but that sounds a lot more like fear than love. Every time I've been head over heels for someone, I've felt quite devoted to them, yet I could never stop imagining what sex would be like with someone ELSE. This is my curiosity speaking to me, which is more a function of my intellect than my emotions. So, what is the appeal (or better yet, the purpose) of being chained to one person for eternity?
I would like to first explain that there is a difference between sexual exclusivity and monogamy. Monogamy covers the realm of emotional relationships, while sexual exclusivity covers... well... just sex. Since I'm a guy, these things are separate to me and so I will discuss them as different entities. It is possible to be monogamous while having multiple sexual partners. This post isn't about emotional relationships, though, its about the ownership a relationship partner imposes on their significant others' sex life. I find it pointless, like torture for the sake of character-building.
Let's focus first on why it may hurt when someone you love has sex with another person. I'll rattle off a few thoughts and you just call out if any apply to you:
- You are not enough for them. (You aren't. You will never be. Unless your partner has the sexual intelligence of a male mantis, a single partner will never fully satisfy their curiosity for sex.)
- They will enjoy the other person more. (This is an ego thing and should be gotten over. There is a sensation that is hard to replace, which is the novelty of something different.)
- Sex is an expression of love. (Its not. Sometimes sex is simply advanced masturbation with a real live sex doll.)
- They are sharing themselves with someone else. (Since when do you own them?)
- Its unsafe. (With trust and proper precautions, this is simply an excuse.)
- God/my morals say its bad. (Wow, you're gonna hate reading this blog.)
Imagine a relationship where you tell your partner that they can have sex with whoever they like. Exclude any misgivings you might have with this (see list above) and think about what you would need in order to sanction it. We'll start with the obvious; trust. You need to be able to trust your partner, to know that everything they say is honest and true. Not only that, you need to know that they are intelligent enough to know what is best for them, for you, and for your relationship. Without trust, diverse sexual experiences in a relationship can be devastating. The second need is communication. We all have soft spots and communicating them to your partner is necessary to making sure that nobody gets hurt. You would probably like to know what your partner is up to and you might also want to give them notice about things you don't want them to do (hopefully only because you want to do them together first). The third need is priority. Obviously, this relationship will never work if you're sitting at home wanting sex while your better half is out shagging with someone else.
Now, when you think of it, don't all relationships need those three things regardless of the terms of engagement? My point is that most relationships where sexual diversity is forbidden are usually lacking those needs in the first place. The compulsion to restrict your partner's sexual experiences comes as a defense mechanism for the insecurity you feel within your relationship. Once a couple has established themselves with a solid foundation of trust, communication and priority, the concept of sex can be expanded to include many different elements, including other people.
There is also a school of people who simply have no qualms with letting their partners fool around with others. No matter what state the relationship is in, sex is always a free act to be shared with whomever. This is a very fertile and open environment to foster a relationship within. Starting from the point of sexual freedom allows a relationship to grow on other virtues rather than the burden of ownership. A bond is then created between two people because of something other than the fact that they have sex with each other.
Referencing my previous blog post about drama in entertainment, it stands to reason that sexual exclusivity is one of the leading sources of conflict in all forms of storytelling. This is good if you're on your couch with a bowl of popcorn to munch on, but if you're actually one of the characters in the tale, you'll be asking for a new scene. The reason why the breach of contract happens so easily and so often is simply because we, as humans, cannot sustain the self-deprecating discipline necessary to uphold an exclusive obligation. Nature wants us to diversify.
Its really none of my business how people conduct themselves in their own relationships, but I cannot help myself when going up against one of the pillars of modern social standards. The truth is that extra-curricular sex is already more pervasive than people are willing to accept. The other truth is that I'd love to prepare society to accept what I consider to be more logical standards. The more people who accept this reasoning, the more people I am eligible to be with. You certainly wouldn't have me, knowing that we disagree on an issue as sanctified as this.
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